I’m not the most optimistic gal by nature, but I feel like these posts for the Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness campaign were a little more pessimistic than normal. Also some of my adoption-related posts lately. When I talk about these things to people who aren’t my husband or close family or friends, I’m not nearly so dark and stormy. I try to put a positive spin on it, or at least make it sound like I’m managing things the best I can and I’m not letting it get me down.
But endometriosis has gotten me down, time and time again. You don’t try to raise awareness and research money for a disease that isn’t that big of a deal.
I feel like America has gotten used to overcoming medical conditions. We make a big deal about cancer survivors, for example. As well we should–surviving cancer is cause for celebration. But I think sometimes we forget why we celebrate. We celebrate because it’s HARD work to beat cancer, and also because so many people, through no fault or lack of courage, don’t emerge victorious. When it’s not your personal battle, or the battle of someone very close to you, you forget or were never aware of all the hard stuff that went on before you were declared well.
Chronic conditions are a different animal, but I think the same principle applies. It’s so easy to look at people who’ve “overcome” their condition and can do “amazing” things, then look back at someone else and think they should just try harder. Just eat better, find exercise you can do, take more vitamins or herbs or probiotics or experimental drugs, try acupuncture or chiropractic care or voodoo or small animal sacrifice…surely there’s some reason you’re worn out and beaten down beyond what your illness does to your body without your say-so!
It’s just easier sometimes to pretend you are one of those amazing overcomers.
So if my blog posts sound a little defeated or depressed, it’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of knowing just a few months before endo pain set in, I was in the best shape of my life. I’m tired of pain that is unrelenting and unresponsive to conventional treatment. I’m tired of watching so many friends, cousins, and fellow church members have babies when I can’t become a mom for love or money (literally). I can tune all this out for hours or sometimes days at a time, but then it all hits me all over again and leaves me a hot mess.
It is both comforting and horrifying to know I’m not alone. There are other women who share aspects of my story, which means it’s real and validated, but it also means they are in just as much pain and turmoil. I sometimes tell myself they probably handle it better, but I bet their husbands or best girlfriends would disagree, even if they aren’t willing to admit it themselves.
Endometriosis is hard. It affects women in different ways, some with more pain and complications than I have, some with less. The common thread is that it tends to stick around even when you think you’ve overcome. Maybe a “cure” is too much to hope for, but deeper understanding and more effective treatments aren’t. Please visit Jamee’s blog again for resources and some links to help make that hope a reality.