I didn’t set out to be an “infertility blogger,” but that was what a lot of this blog turned into. And I appreciated the outlet, because for the four years between ditching the pill and conceiving our miracle Jonathan, a lot of awful stuff happened. I needed to write about the big things, the small things, and most of all, the feelings that went along with all of them. Strange as it sounds, I want to remember these feelings. I don’t want distance and a happy ending to destroy the compassion I have developed for those experiencing many kinds of grief and disappointment. And it’s good to have those memories somewhere outside my head, so they will remain in their original form and also allow me to let go of them enough to move forward.
We have no idea if Jonathan is our first child or our one and only, or how future children will join our family if they do. But even if we struggle with infertility, miscarriage, or more adoption disappointment in the future, our status has changed. We are no longer childless. We can no longer say we haven’t carried a pregnancy to term and seen it result in a healthy, beautiful baby. We are no longer in the dark regarding the horror of sleepless months or the anxiety of knowing something is wrong but not knowing what or the joy of seeing our son smile and laugh while gazing into our eyes.
We are parents. We are grateful and enjoy capturing special moments in pictures and sharing them on Facebook, Skype, over the phone, or in person with those we love. But here that joy feels like a disconnect from the immense pain that paved our road to parenthood. So for now at least, I am closing up shop.
I want to spend my writing time, what precious little I have, writing my books. What’s more, I don’t want to dwell on the lingering negative feelings that creep into my head when I don’t get enough sleep–wishing our first-conceived was part of our present family, or grieving the breastfeeding experience I wanted, or wondering where my hormones will land when they calm down after all the craziness they’ve been through. I want to acknowledge those things as they come up, but I also want to teach myself to focus on what is here with me right now, and that is this little lovebug:
So I will let this blog stand as a testament to just how much we had to go through to get where we are, and I will love my little one all the more for it.