My heart is full of many things as I approach my last month of pregnancy. I expected, when I thought I would never be in such a position, to have a heart full of only good things–joy, gratitude, anticipation, love. All of those things are there, all of them bubble over and make the days creep by as I long to finally hold a baby who is mine.
But new-mommy anxiety fights for a place, especially when I’m not able to sleep through the night for several nights in a row. So does frustration at my aches and pains, along with lingering sadness over all the hard things of the past few years. It all lurks beneath the surface, sometimes closer to the top than others, and it’s hard to know when to acknowledge it and when to try to force it away by ignoring it.
It’s as if I don’t feel I have permission to feel anything negative. Well-meaning, otherwise-supportive folks have reminded me that backaches and labor pain are “what I prayed so hard for.” Not many, but enough to feel put in my place. Yes, for this child I prayed, harder than anyone will ever know. But funny how God answered those prayers with a little person kicking my ribs and not with a crystal ball and instruction manual. I feel no more ready to labor and deliver, let alone parent, this baby than anyone else who has never done either.
At the heart of it all is still a degree of incredulity that this is happening to us. The fear that something could still go horribly wrong is there, of course, but there is also a competing voice in my head saying, “But what if it doesn’t? What if Jonathan is a healthy, happy baby who grows into an amazing kid and then a handsome, God-loving man who outlives his parents?” And that thrills me to no end, but it can still feel like someone else’s story. Surely that can’t be meant for our family after all this time?
Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. 2 Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. 3 Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him. 4 When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. 5 Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.
6 Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” 7 And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” Genesis 21:1-7
Once again, I feel the permission to be anxious or incredulous from Sarah. I imagine her shaking her head in wonder for months after Isaac is born, maybe still afraid he is a dream or a manifestation of dementia. But there is joy, thankfulness, love, and laughter in her words too. It can feel a little cramped with all those feelings floating around in there, but there is room for all of them.
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